goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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