my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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