Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
