I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
