just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
