Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
