Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
