I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
