I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
