You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
