just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
