Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
