We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
