I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
