dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
