i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
