The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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