mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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