Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
