My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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