seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
