i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
