Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
