too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
