He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
