New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
