Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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