Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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