I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
