You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
