Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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