physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
