It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
