you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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