Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Sober January is a disaster.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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