Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
