I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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