I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
