It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
