Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
