this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
