im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
