It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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