Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
