I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
