can we get nightvision for the apartment?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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