I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
