Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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