Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
