We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
