he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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