Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
