I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
